Memoirs: If I Lose Myself I Lose it All

If 2015 has taught me anything it is that I really enjoy my own company. Whilst others crave attention from friends, partners or family, I crave attention from myself. I find myself cancelling plans because I want to be alone. Does this make me a bad person? I’m not sure. There are very few around me who understand my desire to want to be alone. Yet on the flip-side, there have been some group situations this year where I’ve confessed that I spend way too much time alone. I find myself teetering the fine lines between extrovert and introvert once too often.

Am I an ambivert?

There have been instances this year where I’ve just been like f*ck this, I’m going to go on my own. I recently dined alone for the first time and it really changed my perspective of the social stigma of asking for a table for one. Being alone really gives you time to think and it really does change your perspective on things. As long as you can bear to be alone with your thoughts that is…

Writing this blog has even reminded me that I went to a Kings of Leon concert alone a few years back which has put a little smile on my face. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Perhaps I somehow knew I was confident in my own skin back then and the last few years have just been me growing up and discovering that.

As I’ve written this post I’ve just come back from the cinema and surprise surprise I went alone. Sometimes you just can’t wait on people with their late responses or them trying to fit you into their schedule. I mean I 100% get it, we’re all busy, we all have routines or some kind of semblance of life. I just hate waiting around waiting for things to happen.

All about me

The only way I can continue on into 2016 is to make things happen for myself. Maybe it’s because I’m a planner, I crave routine and knowing what is ahead of me. Maybe it’s why I have taken it upon myself to spend so much time alone, to finally get to know myself, what I like and what I don’t like.

When that person (or people) you rely on for attention, affection or some form of comfort leaves (it happens at one stage in your life trust me), you will have yourself to rebuild the pieces. Nothing lasts forever, so make the most of the life you have here on this planet.

Making mistakes is part of the process

I will continue to try to achieve things I want to and if I make mistakes along the way, it’s okay. Cheesy as it may sound you really only regret the chances you didn’t take. Looking back that there is so much I wish I did differently, but it does not do well to dwell on such thoughts.

Learn from them and change your now if it really affects you.

Next year I have decided I’m going to go away alone. Time is your most valuable currency, use it wisely. Learning to be comfortable with yourself, try something new, ticking things off your mental bucket list. I am compiling a list of mini-milestones of things I want to do over the next few years. Once you break things down, it doesn’t seem so scary.


I think this post was inspired by the fact that I am currently on a break between Netflix shows, having just finished watched 131 episodes of Pretty Little Liars in under two weeks. Unhealthy, I know, but it was a nice little distraction as I’d been stuck in a rut for a few weeks as summer was coming to an end.

I dreaded turning 25 this year but after a few months I’ve definitely begun to embrace it. I know who I am, where I want to be and I can finally say I’m on the path to finding happy.

Char xo

Featured image sourced from Unsplash. 


30 thoughts on “Memoirs: If I Lose Myself I Lose it All

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